Jokes
- Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation,
eg: "Y'all sang that real good!"
- Accidentals: Wrong notes.
- Ad Libitum: A premiere.
- Agitato: A string player's state
of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.
- Agnus Dei: A woman composer famous
for her church music.
- Altered Chord: A sonority that has
been spayed.
- Attaca: "Fire at will!"
- Augmented Fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.
- Bar Line: A gathering of people,
usually among which may be found a musician or two.
- Beat: What music students to do
each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the
top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
- Bravo: Literally, How bold! or What
nerve! This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the
concert goer after a particularly trying performance.
- Breve: The way a sustained note
sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.
- Cadence:
- The short nickname of a rock group
whose full name is Cadence Clearwater Revival.
- When everybody hopes you're going to stop,
but you don't.
- (Final Cadence: when they FORCE
you to stop.)
- Cantus Firmus: The part you get
when you can only play four notes.
- Chord: Usually spelled with an "s"
on the end, means a particular type of pants, eg: "He wears chords."
- Chromatic Scale: An instrument for
weighing that indicates half-pounds.
- Clef:
- If a student cannot sing, he may have
an affliction of the palate, called a clef.
- Something to jump from if you can't sing
and you have to teach elementary school.
- Coloratura Soprano: A singer who
has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting
for it.
- Compound Meter: A place to park
your car that requires two dimes.
- Duple Meter: May take any even number
of coins.
- Triple Meter: Only rich people should
park by these.
- Meter Signature: The name of the
maid who writes you a ticket when you put an odd number of coins in a duple
meter.
- Conduct: The type of air vents in
a prison, especially designed to prevent escape. Could also be installed for
effective use in a practice room.
- Conductor: A musician who is adept
at following many people at the same time.
- Counterpoint: A favorite device
of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection
between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools,
as a form of punishment.
- Countertenor: A singing waiter.
- Crescendo: A reminder to the performer
that he has been playing too loudly.
- Cut Time: When you're going twice
as fast as everyone else in the orchestra.
- Detache: An indication that the
trombones are to play with the slides removed.
- Discord: Not to be confused with
Datcord.
- Dominant: An adjective used to describe
the voice of a child who sings off key.
- Duration: Can be used to describe
how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.
- English Horn: Neither English nor
a horn, not to be confused with the French Horn, which is German.
- Espressivo: Close eyes and play
with a wide vibrato.
- Fermata: A brand of girdle made
especially for opera singers.
- Flat: This is what happens to a
tonic if it sits too long in the open air.
- Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter
with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.
- Form:
- The shape of a composition.
- The shape of the musician playing the
composition.
- The people of paper to be filled out in triplicate
in order to get enough money from the Arts Council to play the composition.
- Glissando:
- The musical equivalent of slipping
on a banana peel.
- A technique adopted by string players for
difficult runs.
- Half Step: The pace used by a cellist
when carrying his instrument.
- Harmonic Minor: A good music student.
- Harmony: A corn-like food eaten
by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).
- Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease
caused by chromatics.
- Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets
by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.
- Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.
- Major Triad: The name of the head
of the Music Department.
- Minor Triad: the name of the wife
of the head of the Music Department.
- Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state
of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.
- Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."
- Tempo: This is where a headache
begins.
- Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first
discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.
- Tonic: Medicinal liquid to be consumed
before, during, or after a performance. (Diatonic: This is what happens
to some musicians.)
- Transposition: The act of moving
the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a
point where it is too high for the sopranos.
- Trill: The musical equivalent of
an epileptic seizure.
- Triplet: One of three children,
born to one mother very closely in time. If a composer uses a lot of triplets
he has probably been taking a fertility drug.
- Vibrato: Used by singers to hide
the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
- Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals.
Taken from the Amusements
Pages of the New
Zealand Symphony Orchestra
